Category: Miscellaneous

I know your type, asshole. You think yoghurt’s for menopausal women who wear nothing but sweaters, college girls who wear nothing but yoga pants, and guys who wear nothing but other guy’s cocks in their mouths. Well guess the fuck what? This yoghurt would literally murder all of those people, bench press their bodies a…

Aspiring writers looking for tips online often come across contradictory and confusing advice. I hope to cut through this morass of information by offering simple, common sense ideas that no one will ever contradict, declare useless or consider pretentious. I hope these help, and remember—always keep writing! Write precisely 1,287 words every day between 7:23…

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went. I also wondered what happened to the man who would stay up all night just because he could, because he wasn’t weighed down by responsibilities and obligations and because dammit, he was alive. Then it dawned on me. I’m growing old, and there’s no getting…

People Take One Look At Him And Assume He’s From Planetary Settlement Alpha Romeo 27-X-9. But He’s Actually From Lunar Settlement Hotel Zulu 19-Q-4. 17 Heart-Warming Cybernetic Body Implants That Will Restore Your Faith In Transhumanity. His Brain Is Made Of Plastic. But His Heart Is Made Of Gold. 33 Stuffed Animals Simulating Positions Historians…

Thoughts My Teenage Self Assumed I Would Be Having Should I save time by having the help polish my Booker Prize, or would doing it myself allow me precious moments to reflect on both my past and my future? When I emerge from my mysterious period of reclusiveness, which publication should I give an exclusive…

“Actually that’s my secret — I can’t even talk about you to anybody because I don’t want any more people to know that our first date was at a club and you threw up on my shirt, and then when I took it off you started masturbating.” — Cloaked by the erotic darkness she exhausted…

The call is coming from inside the house! It’s your mother, and she’s disappointed in your life decisions. After a long and tortuous battle, the villain is vanquished. You go to bed, thinking you’re safe at last. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, regrets about your last relationship hit you. The perpetrator was the twin you…

“That casserole was delicious, dear. Thank you.” “You’re welcome. Whatever shall we do now? We have the house to ourselves…” “This sounds like the perfect opportunity for me to re-caulk the bathtub.” “Wonderful. I’ll go fall asleep in front of Law and Order.” “Would you like me to wake you up and take you to…

Lydia had a problem. The problem was that she was dead. Imagine that you’re standing in a vast desert, with no sign of civilisation for miles. Imagine that there are dinosaurs behind you. Imagine that they’re hungry. That’s the situation Bill found himself in. Except he wasn’t imagining. He was a goblin. She was a…

No good references on your resume? Most homeless people will lie for you if you promise them cash or drugs! Trying to trim your food budget while unemployed? Stealing from grocery stores can save you tons of money. Are all of your computer and television cords getting tangled up? Organise some of that clutter and…