Dialogue From Parent Date Nights, As Imagined By Offspring Unable to Cope With the Reality of the Situation

“That casserole was delicious, dear. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. Whatever shall we do now? We have the house to ourselves…”

“This sounds like the perfect opportunity for me to re-caulk the bathtub.”

“Wonderful. I’ll go fall asleep in front of Law and Order.”

“Would you like me to wake you up and take you to bed?”

“No, the couch is comfortable.”

“Well, good night then.”

“See you in the morning!”

—

“My back is so sore. I think I’ll take a nice, hot shower to relax. Would you care to join me?”

“No, thank you. I need to finish filing our taxes.”

“I appreciate your dedication to our family’s fiscal responsibilities.”

“It’s how I express my love for you.”

—

“Sweetie, come check out my new lingerie.”

“Is that full body flannel? Nice.”

“Wal-Mart had it on sale. It’s so comfortable I think I could spend all day in bed.”

“Oh? Maybe I’ll join you…”

“Don’t have you to aerate the lawn?”

“Oh, that’s right. Thank you for reminding me.”

“Come back to the bedroom when you’re all hot and sweaty from working, and maybe I’ll have a surprise for you.”

“The new slippers you’re knitting for me?”

“Shh! Don’t ruin it!”

—

“Would you like a glass of wine with your dinner?”

“No, thank you. Wine lowers my inhibitions and mental capability, which I’ll need for my Sudoku puzzles.”

“I suppose I shouldn’t partake either, since I plan to watch a documentary about Erwin Rommel and don’t want to miss any details.”

“Warm glasses of milk for the both of us, then?”

“Yes, please.”

—

“This reminds me of our third date.”

“When our parents dropped us off at church?”

“Yes. The pastor watched over our prayers, and after we were done we shook hands and agreed that it wouldn’t be objectionable if we continued to spend time in each other’s presence.”

“Those were the days.”

—

“Let’s spend an hour in the bedroom.”

“That sounds wonderful. You can change the sheets and dust while I oil the squeaky wardrobe door.”

“Don’t forget to wear especially unattractive clothes, so you won’t have to take them off and launder them if you spill.”

“Good idea, thank you.”

“And maybe I’ll wear my French maid costume from last Halloween.”

“That’s silly. Why would you do that?”

“I have no idea. Never mind, I don’t know what I was thinking.”

“Well, don’t worry about it.”

—

“Honey, when’s the last time you had an erection?”

“I don’t even know what that is.”

“Nor do I. I overheard Jim and his friends talking about them. It must be some new teenage fad.”

“Well, as middle-aged adults there’s no sense in us getting involved in that malarkey.”

“Agreed. Let’s do a jigsaw puzzle.”