Smiley is a horror movie about a killer that’s summoned when someone types “I did it for the lulz” in a chat three times. It’s only a matter of time before this modern horror masterpiece receives a sequel, and I want to get in on it. Here are some select scenes from my proposed screenplay.
INT. DORM ROOM
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and her SLUTTY ROOMMATE are on their COMPUTERS, doing COMPUTER STUFF.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Hey, have you heard about this Internet thing?
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Duh, I’ve been Instagramming my friends’ Facebooks for years. Where have you been?
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Oh emm gee, don’t troll me! I’ve been redditing plenty of Webnetsites!
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Whatever, noob. I bet you haven’t even posted nudes on 4chan.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Ew, no. I’ve been looking at lolcats.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Oh noes, haven’t you read the creepypasta? If you email three lolcats to someone’s chat wall, a lolcat shows up in their house and lulz them... to death!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Gee tee eff oh, that sounds so fake.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Whatevs, it’s your funeral. Anyway, I’m going to go sext my cyberboyfriend. Tee tee why ell!
INT. HOUSE
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and SLUTTY ROOMMATE arrive at a 4CHAN PARTY. It’s like a regular party, but STUPID. Every guy there has a TRENCHCOAT and a BAD HAIRCUT, and is either OBESE or SKELETAL. They are immediately approached by DUDE GUY, whose haircut is ESPECIALLY BAD.
DUDE GUY
Alright, girls! I haven’t seen one of those in years! Welcome to the par-tay! 4chan, b, YouTube, whoo!
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Yeah, let’s get wild! Where’s the vodka, weed and MySpace?
DUDE GUY
Vodka and weed’s for lamers. We’re making fun of the families of suicide victims on the Webtubes, that’s what cool people do!
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Lulz! I can’t wait to Friendster them!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
That sounds mean.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Ugh, lighten up! Don’t make me look bad in front of the Internet!
A BRONY joins the conversation. He’s wearing a RAINBOW DASH HOODY, and looks TREMENDOUSLY CREEPY.
BRONY
Excuse me, did I hear there was going to be some trolling? That goes against everything the proud ponies of Equestria stand for! Let’s just read each other our MLP fanfics, okay?
DUDE GUY
No way, gaywad. Everyone knows that real men write fics for loli animes.
BRONY
Maybe that’s what a colt like you believes, but a mature stallion like myself knows better!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD, sensing a painfully nerdy argument approaching, intervenes.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
I’d like to hear your fanfic. It sounds way more fun than trolling with this troll here.
BRONY
Oh, it is! Come, my beautiful mare. Let us leave this parasprite to his foul business.
DUDE GUY
Hey, you two better watch what you chat about me!
INT. HOUSE BEDROOM
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and BRONY are LAPTOPING on BRONY’S LAPTOP.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Well, uh, your pony story certainly had a lot more dildos than I expected.
BRONY
Thanks!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD notices that BRONY has an ERECTION. She BACKS AWAY.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Hey look, people are leaving comment posts! Oh, but they’re not very nice...
BRONY
Oh horseapples, they’re from 4chan. I bet this is the work of that pony hater downstairs. Well, nobody besmirches my fanfics and gets away with it!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
Don’t let those Negative Net Nancies get to you. Want to look at some lolcats? That always calms me down.
BRONY
Lolcats? Good thinking! I’m going to Twitter three lolcats to that guy’s Google!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
You don’t actually believe that ridiculous story, do you?
BRONY
Oh, it’s no story. Just Ask Jeeves.
INT. HOUSE BATHROOM
DUDE GUY is washing his hands when his PHONE makes PHONE NOISES. He takes it out to CHECK HIS INTERNET, and sees that THREE LOLCATS have been TWITTERED to his GOOGLE.
DUDE GUY
What the? Ugh, somebody’s memeing me with that lame fad.
We hear a MEOW. DUDE GUY is startled, then sees that his CAT is in the bathroom. He pets it.
DUDE GUY
You scared me, Meowth!
DUDE GUY checks his BAD HAIR in the mirror. We hear a different MEOW, but DUDE GUY doesn’t realise that it came from a SECOND CAT. We watch, reflected in the mirror, as that cat LEAPS at DUDE GUY’S NECK. We see a look of TERROR from DUDE GUY before BLOOD splashes all over the mirror.
INT. DORM ROOM
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD and SLUTTY ROOMMATE are arguing. The power is out; the only source of light is from their LAPTOPS, which are running on BATTERIES or DIESEL GENERATORS or MAGIC or whatever laptops get their power from.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
I warned you to stop looking at lolcats, but you didn’t listen! And now everyone’s dead! The lolcats lulzed them!
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
It wasn’t me, I swear! It’s that crazy Brony! He’s killing anyone who made fun of his fanfiction!
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Yeah right, like a grown man would ever take My Little Pony that seriously! This is all your fault, and if you won’t stop the lulz, then I’LL stop YOUR lulz!
SLUTTY ROOMMATE approaches GENERIC FEMALE LEAD with MURDEROUS INTENT, but abruptly stops. She looks down and POINTS at the floor in FEAR.
GENERIC FEMALE LEAD
What, what is it?
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Ki... ki... kitty litter.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE’S LAPTOP starts DIGGING STEAM, or WHATEVER. The two girls watch in horror as a lolcat appears on the screen, followed by another. Then another.
SLUTTY ROOMMATE
Oh. Emm. Gee.
We hear a familiar MEOW. The laptops shut off, leaving the room PITCH DARK. SLUTTY ROOMMATE SCREAMS, then goes SILENT. For a few moments, we can only hear GENERIC FEMALE LEAD’S RAGGED BREATHING. Then we hear a cat PURRING.