I’d Like to Address the Rumour That I Was Killed By a Colony of Sentient Ants So They Could Wear My Corpse as a Disguise

Thanks for coming, everyone. Please, have a seat. Jim, buddy, put down that can of Raid and grab a can of beer! No, seriously, put it down. Put. It. Down. Thank you.

A crazy rumour has been going around since I got back from my vacation, and I’d like to dispel it before it gets out of control. So for the record, I was not killed and occupied by a colony of sentient ants intending to use me as a disguise for their nefarious purposes. That’s absurd.

It’s so absurd that when I first heard the rumour, I thought it was a joke. “Hey, have you noticed that Mark’s been acting a little weird since his vacation? I bet he was slaughtered by super-intelligent ants so they could enthrall his body! Ha!” I laughed and went about my day without a second thought. After all, your wacky jokes are why I love you guys. Especially Jim’s, that guy’s a riot! Hey Jim, remember the time you—Jim, man, I thought I told you to put that down! You know what, I’m just going to take it. Give it here, Jim. Come on, hand it over. Hand it over! Thank you. You nut, you’re the best.

So like I said, I thought it was a joke. But then, one by one, you stopped hanging out with me. I figured you were all just busy, but then your excuses got weak. Paul was having “car troubles,” and yet I see his car parked outside. Jillian claimed she moved to Halifax, but this doesn’t look like Halifax to me. And Jim, your dog died eight times. Stick to the jokes, buddy, and leave the excuses to—is that another can of Raid? Where were you hiding that? Oh, I see. I just thought you had a massive erection. I mean, it didn’t really look like an erection, but I didn’t want to call you out and be wrong. That would be embarrassing for both of us.

Anyway, you were planning to sneak up and spray me in the face with that, weren’t you? Don’t deny it! I’d be the first to admit that that would be a hilarious prank. But I’m trying to be serious, so let’s save that for later, okay? In fact, why don’t you just go ahead and toss that over here. Atta boy. You’re swell.

Your excuses weren’t the only sign you were taking this ridiculous rumour seriously. Half a dozen fumigation companies have showed up with instructions to fumigate my house while I’m “away on business.” I know that was you guys. And there was that morning I awoke to an anteater shoving its tongue down my throat. Well, I’ll have you know he went back to the zoo hungry. Shame on you for putting that cute little fella through such an ordeal.

Then there was you, Cindy. Dear, sweet, Cindy. First you started sleeping on the couch, then your parents’ couch. Today I caught you breaking into my house to collect your belongings. Don’t you trust me, Cindy? I’m not going to lie—I’m hurt. We’ve been through so much together. Can’t we get through this silly misunderstanding?

I admit, I’ve been doing some things that are easy to misinterpret. If one of you switched to a diet of aphids and grubs I’d be confused, too. I wouldn’t reach the same insane conclusion, but I understand how you could.

The fact that ants crawl out of my mouth whenever I speak probably isn’t helping. Oh, is that why you brought bug spray, Jim? To kill the hundreds of ants that have poured out of me? I appreciate the thought, but you shouldn’t have gone through the trouble! I can get rid of them later, don’t worry about it. No, seriously, it’s not your problem. Sit down. Oh, I see. Your chair’s been swarmed by ants. Okay, yeah, go ahead and move. But don’t worry about them.

Now, where were we? Oh, right. Mouth ants. In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I should tell you that my mouth isn’t the only orifice ants are emerging from. Cindy, you already know what I’m talking about. For the rest of you, this is a little weird, so I’m just going to come out and say it. I’ve been ejaculating ants.

Don’t look at me like that. It sounds gross to you, but imagine how it is for me! If you think I’m thrilled about ejaculating ants, let me make it very clear that I am not. For starters, it hurts. Sure, ants look small, but they feel pretty damn big when they’re shooting out of your urethra. Also, it’s putting a serious damper on my love life. I’m guessing that’s why you moved to the couch, Cindy? Frankly, I don’t see what the big deal is. I said I’d start wearing a condom. You wouldn’t even see the ants! I think you’re being close-minded.

But that’s a discussion we should have in private. I gathered you here today to tell you that there’s a perfectly reasonable explanation for all of this, one that doesn’t involve outlandish theories. I want to put your minds at ease and assure you there’s no reason to fear me. So again, just to be absolutely clear, my body has not been taken over by ants. I simply had an exotic ant crawl up my nose and lay thousands of eggs in my brain.

Okay, I see by your facial expressions that you don’t think that explanation is as simple as I do, so I’ll go into a little more detail. It really is quite simple, though. See, while I was trekking through the rainforest, an extremely rare species of ant snuck up my nose. To think that all that time I was worried about being eaten by a jaguar, when it turns out I should have been concerned about ants. I guess that’s life for you. Anyway, the ant laid eggs in my brain.

But don’t worry! The ants aren’t going to eat my brain or anything, they’re just going to hatch, fuel up on the aphids and grubs I’ve been feeding them, and leave. Okay, the original ant did eat a tiny piece of my brain, but that should be obvious. I’d like to see one of you lay thousands of eggs without a little nourishment! But it took such a small piece that I don’t even notice the difference, and I’m pretty sure it’s dead now. So as soon as the last batches of ants are born and hit the road I’ll be back to normal!

So there you go. I’m not being controlled by ants, I’m merely incubating them. Don’t you agree that that’s a much more plausible explanation? And there’s certainly no reason to worry about it. It’s not like any of them are going to enter your bodies while you’re distracted. That’s just being paranoid.

Well, I’m glad we’re all friends again. Is anyone hungry? I’ll grab a bowl of aphids.